The Social Life of a Submissive

I recently attended a large and typical BDSM party. The ratio was about 80 percent men and 20 percent women. A significant number of these women were accompanied by partners. I immediately noticed four very attractive Generation X women in fetish attire who were sitting at a table near the dance floor. Two of them were wearing black leather mini skirts and another looked great in a cat suit. I thought they would all receive a lot of attention.

As the evening progressed they were still sitting and at times dancing by themselves. I am not bisexual but I did introduce myself and made positive comments about their stunning appearance. They were very friendly and it was obvious to me that they wanted to meet men in the BDSM scene. I had a great time with them, and these were women who had it all. Not only were they beautiful, but they were intelligent, fun and three of them had exciting careers (the fourth was a graduate student).

If I was a guy, these single women would have been perfect. They wanted to meet the two men I had been talking to earlier in the evening, but quickly changed their minds when I told them both were married men.

My behavior was right out of high school, but I did spot two subs who I knew were single, available and in their mid-30's. I pointed them out to the group. They agreed that they would be good candidates and I took off to find them. They both promised to come over to our table and I would introduce them. I should have dragged them back with me because neither sub approached our group.

I later asked the subs what happened and both of them claimed to be shy. The party was filled with single subs and I am still surprised that they did not take the initiative to introduce themselves. Perhaps this is part of being submissive but they clearly missed meeting some wonderful new people.

I later sent an e-mail about this incident to a sub I greatly admire, but I also suspected that he was shy around women. I want to share his response with the board "Your comments about the single submissives and their reticence is not surprising. It is part of the nature of submissiveness, but its also tied up (pardon the pun) in other aspects of personality. As you know, many submissives are highly sucessful types with vivid imaginations and high IQs. Those very qualities prerequisite in most cases a confusing amalgam of self-doubt and self-respect: these are people who became self-aware and empathetic at a time in their lives when most around them were functioning on a level of a cat: 'I see what I want and I go after it.' This isn't confidence, but obliviousness and a lack of shame.

"Some years ago, a good friend of mine complained constantly about the quality of men who

approached her. Until I pointed it out, it hadn't occurred to her that the quality men would never dream of approaching her in the first place: they were either reading Sartre or Heidiegger in some corner or if in the room wouldn't want to invade someone else's personal space. And of course, there's cowardice.

"It does give me pause that I've been floundering around trying to find Mistress Right for a good long time. On the other hand, I've come to accept over the years on a visceral level my inability to force events to fruition: one day at a time. I can only do so much."

My simple question is: Are all of you subs shy around women in a social situation? If a woman you find appealing smiles at you during a party, would you go and talk to her?